I had originally planned on posting a “get-to-know-me” post before anything else, but with everything that’s been going on lately, I feel like I have to blow out this steam before it blows off the roof of my mother’s apartment.
You see before all that shit hit the fan, my graduation from nursing school was planned in the middle of September and the following week I was to board a plane to visit my father, step-mom, and 3 brothers in Georgia, US. I live in Israel, where the government shut everything down, including canceling the NCLEX (licensure exam for graduating nursing students), for those who graduate in April. This cancelation is practically a sure delayer of my scheduled graduation. No matter how hard I try, I can’t wrap my head around the logic behind the decision to delay recruiting new nurses to the hospitals that are way understaffed and way overflowing with patients. If it wasn’t clear by the tone of my voice, I hate living here more than anything in the world. Israel is a right-wing-ruled country with no separation of religion from government, extremely low wages and high cost of living (imagine the average salaries of Detroit with the cost of living of Manhattan), and the average Israeli is amongst the rudest, most racist, crass, up-in-your-business, prejudiced jerks known to mankind. Oh yeah, I went there. My husband, who also served in the Israeli Defense Forces, fortunately, feels just as strongly about life in this country as I do. Our 5-year plan is to graduate (he is a biomedical practical engineering student), find jobs, move out of his mom and brother’s apartment (more on that to come), have a baby, and immigrate the fuck out of this country and to a farmhouse with plenty of acreage in the US. More on the issues of having a baby later, but the bottom line is we need IVF if we ever want to have a shot at conceiving. As I am sure you can guess, all fertility clinics are closed for business right now.
With everything in the world put on hold right now, it makes me feel helpless and hopeless as if I am trying to grab a hold of my life like trying to grasp smoke between your fingers.
I have been battling with depression from a very young age and only started paying closer attention to my mental health this past year or so. I am a perfectionist, a careful and meticulous planner, I keep an agenda where I pencil in everything that I have scheduled, including meeting with friends or going to school. My life for the next 5 years has been so thought out and organized that the whole pandemic going on right now left me stunned, paralyzed even. I have no control over my own life. The only thing helping me battle my depression – aside for my meds – is staying active. Now, I don’t mean running or weight-lifting; I mean staying on track with my life plans. Keeping a well-organized and scheduled routine helps me maintain my sanity since everything is already planned out and I only need to follow through rather passively. Not knowing when, how or where something will take place in my life can drive me out of my mind.
I am sure many of you are stuck at home, isolated, lonely, anxious, bored, and even depressed in some cases. This entire atmosphere just seems eerily apocalyptic, doesn’t it? I think so. People are hoarding all nonperishables, canned goods, toilet paper, masks, gloves… familiar much? Anyway, this situation sure isn’t easy on anyone but it is especially difficult for people dealing with mental illnesses. There is so much to stress about in the normal day-to-day life that this crisis is like the straw that broke the camel’s back. What I mean to say is, we’re all stressed out, we all worry for our loved ones, the elderly, those with immunodeficiencies… shoot a message, call, Skype, FaceTime, Zoom… I used to postpone visiting my grandma, making excuses for not coming or calling, telling her that I am busy with school and hospital rotations. Now, all I think about is whether I’ll ever get to hug her again. She lives so near and yet it feels so far. My grandma is 87 years old, a holocaust survivor, survived a massive myocardial infarction (heart attack), with 95% arterial blockage, had coronary artery bypass graft (open heart surgery), shattered her shoulder completely about 7-8 years ago and was told that she would never again be able to drive a manual, but didn’t let that stop her from doing it anyway. My grandma is a badass and she is the reason I am what I am today. She pays for my school and gives me a monthly allowance so that I can focus entirely on school and not worry about finances. Will I ever see her again? Will I ever hug her again?
I was walking around the other day and saw all the people completely ignoring the government’s instructions. People are going to the beach, to the parks, celebrating birthdays and weddings… a certain group of people, religious extremists, basically throw a huge middle finger at the government and carry on with their crowding, praying, celebrations, and even a funeral of about 400 attendees. Hospitals are filled to the brim with patients, well over 1300 healthcare workers are under quarantine for being exposed at work to COVID-19 patients and some of them have been tested positive for the virus themselves. One of the first people to die of the virus in this country was a CNA who retired and came back to work part-time to help relieve the workload. Doctors and nurses receive one mask, a plain surgery mask usually, per 12-hour-shift. Now, I know that there is a worldwide personal protection equipment shortage, but in Israel, people are buying or otherwise obtaining PPEs and selling them for a huge profit to individuals. Just imagine this: healthcare workers on the line without protection while individuals who should be protected in their homes purchase masks for $15 or so apiece. Setting aside the fact that masks and gloves won’t help protect anyone on the streets from the virus (you know, all those PPEs are ineffective after a single use), why not give these masks to the hospitals? You know what, if you want to make a profit so badly then sell them to the hospitals. Those companies selling masks, gloves, and hand sanitizers for much more than their worth, causing people to panic and spend money on things that are much more appreciated in the hands of those who truly need them.
I know that crises tend to make people react in ways that they otherwise wouldn’t, but in this country, most people, government especially, see crises of this scale as a magnificent opportunity.
Israel has had its third election in one year. The current prime minister and his runnerup keep failing at organizing a coalition. The current prime minister is facing the possibility of criminal charges for just about everything in the books on corrupt politicians, while his runnerup, the person who is supposed to represent democracy, change, innovation – partnered with him to create an “urgent united government”. My entire family and me, we all voted for this man every single time in these elections because we wanted change. No, we NEED change. Living in a modern, supposedly free country means the people have the power to choose and influence, so when that’s taken away, what are we left with? The current PM has served since the 90s, favoring the religious extremists and giving them power to shut down the entire country on weekends and have complete control over the way people get married. Did you know that to be legally married in Israel, a couple has to have a traditional religious ceremony with a rabbi to “bind them in holy matrimony”? And not only that; the woman has to undergo a most humiliating ritual where she needs to immerse in some disgusting pool of some sort with water that has been standing there since the stone age, completely naked, after she has waxed, shaved, removed all nail polish, jewelry, and piercings while a woman (who is supposed to check her body beforehand that she is indeed “purified”), and sometimes even a rabbi present? And get this, she has no choice if she wants to marry in this country.
My husband and I got married in Cyprus in a civil union, but that’s a story for another post. Anyway, the bottom line is that this country is in dire need for change, for a chance of actual freedom of choice, speech, and religion. The “Arabs” in this country who serve in the military, vote, practice medicine and nursing, law, and more just don’t count as actual people in the eyes of the government. Want to talk about racism?
I don’t mean to sound to harsh and critisizing, but I am so tired of living in a country where no matter how much you try and work and study and aspire – it’s all for nothing. This is not a country I want my kids to grow up in and I sure as hell don’t want to see them turn out into typical Israelis with no respect for their parents, society, law, and peers.
I’m about to start work in one of the local hospitals around any day now and I am super stoked about it, but I am also terrified for my life. No, not because of the virus and the lack of protection equipment and not even because of the amount of such demanding work and hours, but because people here are so impatient that there have been numerous accounts of violence towards healthcare workers. A nurse was murdered 3 years ago because a 78-year-old man burned her alive. Literally. Let that sink in for a second. That man came in to the clinic needing something from the nurse, maybe a blood test or a regular blood-pressure checkup, lost his temper, spilled some flammable liquid and ignited her. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the face of the country.
That’s it for now. I let my steam out and I think I can finally get some sleep now that I have shared my anger with the world.
So until the next post, stay inside, reach out, be patient, be kind, appreciate those who work day and night so that you get to “be stuck in quarantine” with your family.
Faithfully yours,
Anna.
*The featured picture in this post was taken in December on our trip to the Netherlands. This is a Rotterdam neighborhood at night.
The Missing Puzzle Piece 